Identity Shifts as a New Mom

Arguably, one of the most challenging things about postpartum is the identity shift that a woman experiences as a new mom. In the newborn phase, life revolves around sleeping, feeding, diaper changes, and trying to sleep. As a new mom, it can feel like you are simply living in the moments in between the baby’s cries. 

Then, slowly, as the newborn phase begins to pass and your baby grows, you start to reconnect with the small pieces of who you were before motherhood. 

Reconnecting With Who You Were Before

It is a challenge as a mom to figure out how to get back to who you were before while being completely changed by motherhood. Things that once felt incredibly important before might not carry the same weight after the baby is born. At the same time, the things that still matter to you can feel harder to hold onto.

The Challenges of Returning to Work 

Returning to work can bring even more challenges. You might want to be available and flexible at all times, but now you might be unable to because of childcare and the emotional difficulty of being away from your baby. You might want to feel fully present and productive at work, but you are still waking up multiple times at night and just trying to get through the day. It can be so hard to know how to balance your priorities as a mother, an employee, a partner, and a woman.

Grieving the Version of Yourself Before Baby

The reality is that you may never return to exactly who you were, but you can find a balance between what you value and your role as a parent. 

Therapy can hold space as you navigate the person you are now and grieve the person you were before. It is completely okay to miss parts of yourself before baby, or to miss the time that you used to have, or the body you once had. You can hold both the grief of what has changed and the joy of what your baby brings. Just because you miss your old self does not mean that you don’t love motherhood and your parenting journey.

Finding Yourself Within Motherhood 

As you navigate motherhood, try to find ways to stay connected with yourself. Whether that is going back to work, choosing to stay at home and fully immerse yourself in motherhood, making time for hobbies, reconnecting with friends, or simply finding small moments that remind you of who you are outside of being “mom.” Just a few minutes a day to reconnect with who you are outside of being a mother can bring so much healing.

Motherhood changes your identity, but you can still find yourself within it.

To learn more about therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page.

To schedule a free consultation, contact me.

Motherhood and the Mental Load

The Invisible Weight of Motherhood

Most mothers will hear the words “mental load” and have an immediate emotional and physical reaction. They might tense up and say, “Don’t even get me started.” Many women in relationships carry a significant amount of the emotional and mental labor within the home, and this load increases tenfold once they find out they are pregnant. 

As soon as you find out you are pregnant, there is so much to think about. What do you eat? What do you need before the baby comes? How do you make more money? How do you prepare for the nursery? From that moment on, Google often becomes your best friend

Once that baby arrives, the dynamic shifts even more. As much as it would be nice to be able to split parenthood equally, there are, unfortunately, dynamics at play that make it extremely difficult for the mother to share in the responsibilities. If she decides to exclusively breastfeed, all feeding responsibilities are hers to bear. 

Why the Mental Load Feels So Heavy

Biologically and hormonally, mothers are wired to be in tune with their baby’s needs. Most mothers say that hearing their baby cry causes physical pain in their bodies and spikes their anxiety and stress levels. 

It can be extremely challenging to allow the other partner to take over. Even when the mother knows that she needs that break, it can be so hard to completely let go and allow the other partner to handle the screaming and crying. 

The mental load is a nagging thing in the back of the mind. It is very hard to quiet, and sometimes it feels impossible to silence it, because doing so feels like it would lead to loved ones not getting their needs met.

So What Can the Other Partner Do?

If there are responsibilities that can’t be shared (like feeding the baby), find ways to delegate other tasks, such as making sure the mother is fed, changing the baby’s diapers, handling naptime, etc. 

→ Help the one with the mental load get time to themselves. Whether that be time to themselves to go shopping, get a massage, take a bath (with the baby somewhere else so they can’t hear them cry!), or whatever that person feels like would help them decompress.

→ Find time to connect and talk with each other. One of the most important things parents can do in their relationship is find a safe time to talk with each other about what they can do to help one another. Schedule a time where both partners feel ready to hear and receive each other, are not bothered or overwhelmed with anything else, and sit down together and ask each other:

• What is one thing I did this week that you appreciated?

• What is one thing I can do to help this next week?

Both partners can share with each other their needs, and you can discuss ways to make that happen in the following week. It is also a time to receive feedback in areas that you may be able to change or help them. For both partners, be mindful of knee-jerk reactions or defensiveness, and provide the information in a way that is not critical but instead helpful. 

For example, use “I statements” to communicate with each other: “I feel it would be helpful if you could do the bedtime routine next week so I can get time to myself.” 

Communication Creates Teamwork

Just the act of communicating with each other can greatly strengthen the connection between partners and help partners feel more like a team rather than competitors.

While the mental load may never go away completely, it can help for both partners to acknowledge and understand the difficulties of parenting and to work together to help each other feel understood and have their needs met.

To learn more about individual and couples therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page.

To schedule a free consultation, contact me.

Conversations Couples Should Have Before Baby Arrives

There is nothing quite like the excitement of a couple preparing for the arrival of their baby. There is so much joy in planning what the nursery will look like, choosing the perfect name, and imagining their little personality. But alongside the excitement can come a lot of stress as well. As parents, you will experience sleepless nights, shifting roles, and new responsibilities, which often bring surprises that you just cannot fully anticipate. Every parent expects to lose sleep in the beginning, but the true impact of sleep deprivation can take a big toll. Even the strongest relationships can feel the strain of adjusting to parenthood.

That’s why some of the most important preparation happens in intentional, honest conversations. These conversations can make a significant impact on the quality of the relationship and parenthood. There are many topics that can be helpful to cover in the relationship, and will be different for each and every couple, but there are some major ones that most relationships can benefit from discussing.

I will be listing five topics that give couples a general idea of what to discuss:

​1. Role Expectations

Establishing expectations is extremely important in a relationship. Ideally, this conversation occurs before marriage and the arrival of babies, and should happen again before the baby is born. Partners should sit down together and discuss what they expect of each other before the baby comes.

Do both partners agree to change diapers?

Is one partner still expected to cook after the baby comes?

Who is getting up at night for the baby? Is there a plan to take shifts?

Is taking shifts even feasible (For example, if the mother has decided to exclusively breastfeed, the other partner may not be able to even help for some time)?

Make sure to discuss all expectations you and your partner have, even ones that have been established previously. Responsibilities may shift as time goes on and partners realize what is helpful to them. Having weekly or monthly checks to see what is helping and what is difficult can be very beneficial.

2. Parenting Expectations

Alongside discussing the roles you expect of each other, discuss what your expectations are as a parent.

How were you parented, and in what ways do you want to replicate that? In what ways do you want to avoid that?

Partners should discuss their philosophy on discipline and punishment. Do you believe in time-outs? How will you handle disagreements about parenting? Will you discuss these moments privately or in front of the child? 

Parenting is extremely overwhelming, and invisible labor can be challenging for partners to navigate.

How will you communicate with your partner when you feel overwhelmed? For a breastfeeding mother, the demand is quite a lot in the beginning. Staying in communication with your partner about the ways in which they can support in the beginning stages can be so helpful. Just something as simple as making sure mom is nourished with good meals and hydrated can make a big difference.

3. Religion

Often, couples share a religion and are in agreement as to how to raise their children. But in some cases, couples see religion differently. In those cases, how do you approach religion with your children?

What will religion look like in the home?

Are you willing to be open about letting your children explore religion on their own? How will you navigate these differences? 

Religion is an important part of a person’s identity, and ignoring differences can lead to isolation and resentment. It is important to find common understanding and agreement before resentment builds. 

Partners should also be able to respect these differences and show respect to each other in front of the child. Navigating these differences in a healthy way can model for the child how they will navigate exploring religion in the future.

​4. Relationship Expectations

Marital satisfaction often decreases once couples have babies. A baby takes up the majority of the parents’ focus, time, and sleep. It takes work to make the relationship a priority and to nurture your partner as well as the baby.

How will you continue to provide each other the intimacy you need?

It is important to discuss with each other how you can help mitigate some of the stress after the baby arrives. What are the expectations around physical and emotional intimacy?

Naturally, after a baby comes, the ability to be physically intimate is impacted. It is important to discuss this in advance and check in with each other after the baby comes, how you are feeling, and what might need some adjusting.

5. Financial Expectations

Some couples share a bank account, and so the transition to spending money on the baby might be an easy one. However, some couples feel more comfortable having their own bank account, and in this case, it is important to discuss how to share the responsibility of spending money on the baby. Unfortunately, the financial toll that it takes to have a baby is a hard one to adjust to. Between all the necessities the child needs, along with the expenses of child care, it can be easy to become overwhelmed and resentful if you feel you are taking on the majority of these expenses.

Lastly, and arguably one of the most important factors to discuss when it comes to finances, is family leave.

How much time are both partners taking? Is the time paid or unpaid? If it is unpaid, how will you balance finances during this time? Are both parents planning to go back to work after the leave is up, or does one choose to stay at home? 

Having these kinds of conversations helps couples build a solid foundation for navigating the many changes that come with welcoming a baby. The transition to parenthood can be both wonderful and extremely challenging. Approaching this time together as a team, with open communication and understanding, makes it far easier to handle the challenges and grow stronger together. Therapy can provide the space that couples need to handle these difficult conversations and navigate the transition together after the baby arrives.

To learn more about couples therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page

To schedule a free consultation, visit the page to contact me