Motherhood and the Mental Load

The Invisible Weight of Motherhood

Most mothers will hear the words “mental load” and have an immediate emotional and physical reaction. Many women in heterosexual relationships carry a significant amount of the emotional and mental labor within the home, and this load increases tenfold once she finds out she is pregnant. 

As soon as the pregnancy is discovered, there is so much to think about. What do I eat? What do I need before the baby comes? How do I make more money? How do we prepare for the nursery? From that moment on, Google often becomes your best friend

Once that baby arrives, the dynamic shifts even more. As much as it would be nice to be able to split parenthood equally, there are unfortunately dynamics at play that make it extremely difficult for the mother to share in the responsibilities. If the mother decides to exclusively breastfeed, all feeding responsibilities are hers to bear. 

Why the Mental Load Feels So Heavy

Biologically and hormonally, mothers are wired to be in tune with their baby’s needs. Most mothers say that hearing their baby cry causes physical pain in their bodies and spikes their anxiety and stress levels. 

It can be extremely challenging to allow the other partner to take over. Even when the mother knows that she needs that break, it can be so hard to completely let go and allow the other partner to handle the screaming and crying. 

The mental load is a nagging thing in the back of the mind. It is very hard to quiet, and sometimes it feels impossible to silence it, because doing so feels like it would lead to loved ones not getting their needs met.

So What Can the Other Partner Do?

If there are responsibilities that can’t be shared, like feeding the baby, find ways to delegate other tasks, such as making sure the mother is fed, changing the diapers, handling naptime, etc. 

→ Help the one with the mental load get time to themselves. Whether that be time to themselves to go shopping, get a massage, take a bath (with the baby somewhere else so they can’t hear them cry!), or whatever that person feels like would help them decompress.

→ Find time to connect and talk with each other. One of the most important things parents can do in their relationship is find a safe time to talk with each other about what they can do to help one another. Schedule a time where both partners feel ready to hear and receive each other, are not bothered or overwhelmed with anything else, and sit down together and ask each other:

• What is one thing I did this week that you appreciated?

• What is one thing I can do to help this next week?

Both partners can share with each other their needs, and you can discuss ways to make that happen in the following week. It is also a time to receive feedback in areas that you may be able to change or help them. For both partners, be mindful of knee-jerk reactions or defensiveness, and provide the information in a way that is not critical but instead helpful. 

For example, use “I statements” to communicate with each other: “I feel it would be helpful if you could do the bedtime routine next week so I can get time to myself.” 

Communication Creates Teamwork

Just the act of communicating with each other can greatly strengthen the connection between partners and help parenting feel more like teamwork than competition.

While the mental load may never go away completely, it can help for both partners to acknowledge and understand the difficulties of parenting and to work together to help each other feel understood and have their needs met.

Conversations Couples Should Have Before Baby Arrives

Anticipating the arrival of a baby is one of the most exciting seasons in a couple’s life. There is joy in planning the nursery, choosing the perfect name, and imagining what your little one’s personality might be like. These moments build anticipation and hope for what’s to come.

But alongside the excitement can come unexpected stress. Sleepless nights, shifting roles, and new responsibilities often bring surprises that parents didn’t fully anticipate. Even the strongest relationships can feel the strain of such a significant life change. That’s why some of the most important preparation happens in intentional, honest conversations.

​1. Role Expectations

Establishing expectations is extremely important in a relationship. Ideally, this conversation occurs before marriage and the arrival of babies, and should happen again before the baby is born. Partners should sit down together and discuss what they expect of each other before the baby comes. Do both partners agree to change diapers? Is one partner still expected to cook after the baby comes? Who is getting up at night for the baby? Is there a plan to take shifts? Is taking shifts even feasible (For example, if the mother has decided to exclusively breastfeed, the other partner may not be able to even help for some time)? Make sure to discuss all expectations you and your partner have, even ones that have been established previously.

2. Parenting Expectations

Alongside discussing the roles you expect of each other, discuss what your expectations are as a parent. How were you parented, and in what ways do you want to replicate that? In what ways do you want to avoid that? Partners should discuss their philosophy on discipline and punishment. Do you believe in time-outs? How will you handle disagreements about parenting? Will you discuss these moments privately or in front of the child? 

Parenting is extremely overwhelming, and invisible labor can be challenging for partners to navigate. How will you communicate with your partner when you feel overwhelmed? For a breastfeeding mother, the demand is quite a lot in the beginning. Staying in communication with your partner about the ways in which they can support in the beginning stages can be so helpful. Just something as simple as making sure she stays fed and hydrated can make a big difference.

3. Religion

Often, couples share a religion and are in agreement as to how to raise their children. But in some cases, couples see religion differently. In those cases, how do you approach religion with your children? What will religion look like in the home? Are you willing to be open about letting your children explore religion on their own? How will you navigate these differences? 

Religion is an important part of a person’s identity, and ignoring differences can lead to isolation and resentment. It is important to find common understanding and agreement before resentment builds. Partners should also be able to respect these differences and show respect to each other in front of the child. Navigating these differences in a healthy way can model for the child how they will navigate exploring religion in the future.

​4. Relationship Expectations

Marital satisfaction often decreases once couples have babies. A baby takes up the majority of the parents’ focus, time, and sleep. It takes work to make the relationship a priority and to nurture your partner as well as the baby. How will you continue to provide each other the intimacy you need? It is important to discuss with each other how you can help mitigate some of the stress after the baby arrives. What are the expectations around physical and emotional intimacy? Naturally, after a baby comes, the ability to be physically intimate is impacted. It is important to discuss this in advance and check in with each other after the baby comes, how you are feeling, and what might need some adjusting.

5. Financial Expectations

Some couples share a bank account, and so the transition to spending money on the baby might be an easy one. However, some couples feel more comfortable having their own bank account, and in this case, it is important to discuss how to share the responsibility of spending money on the baby. Unfortunately, the financial toll that it takes to have a baby is a hard one to adjust to. Between all the necessities the child needs along with the expenses of child care, it can be easy to become overwhelmed and resentful if you feel you are taking on the majority of these expenses.

Lastly, and arguably one of the most important factors to discuss when it comes to finances, is family leave. How much time are both partners taking? Is the time paid or unpaid? If it is unpaid, how will you balance finances during this time? Are both parents planning to go back to work after the leave is up, or does one choose to stay at home? 

Having these kinds of conversations helps couples build a solid foundation for navigating the many changes that come with welcoming a baby. The transition to parenthood can be both wonderful and challenging, often bringing new stress and unexpected adjustments. Approaching this season as a team, with open communication and shared understanding, makes it far easier to handle the challenges and grow stronger together. Therapy can provide the platform that couples need to handle these difficult conversations and navigate the transition together after the baby arrives.

To learn more about couples therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page

To schedule a free consultation, visit the page to contact me