The Mental Load of Motherhood: Why It Feels So Heavy and How to Lighten It
The Invisible Weight of Motherhood
Most mothers will hear the words “mental load” and have an immediate emotional and physical reaction. They might tense up and say, “Don’t even get me started.” Many women in relationships carry a significant amount of the emotional and mental labor within the home, and this load increases tenfold once they find out they are pregnant.
As soon as you find out you are pregnant, there is so much to think about. What do you eat? What do you need before the baby comes? How do you make more money? How do you prepare for the nursery? From that moment on, Google often becomes your best friend.
Once that baby arrives, the dynamic shifts even more. As much as it would be nice to split parenthood equally, there are, unfortunately, dynamics at play that make it extremely difficult for the mother to share responsibilities. For example, if she decides to exclusively breastfeed, all feeding responsibilities are hers to bear.
There are just some things in parenthood that you cannot pass on. Even if your partner shares in the physical tasks, there are still so many things mentally that a mother may be carrying.
Why Mothers Often Carry More of the Mental Load
Biologically and hormonally, mothers are wired to be in tune with their baby’s needs. Most mothers say that hearing their baby cry causes physical pain in their bodies and spikes their anxiety and stress levels.
It can be extremely challenging to allow the other partner to take over. Even when the mother knows that she needs that break, it can be so hard to completely let go and allow the other partner to handle the screaming and crying.
The mental load is a nagging thing in the back of the mind. It is very hard to quiet, and sometimes it feels impossible to silence it, because doing so might feel like you are not meeting your baby’s needs.
How Partners Can Help Reduce the Mental Load
If there are responsibilities that can’t be shared (like feeding the baby), find ways to delegate other tasks, such as making sure the mother is fed, changing the baby’s diapers, handling naptime, etc.
Help the one with the mental load get time to themselves. Whether that be time to themselves to go shopping, get a massage, take a bath (with the baby somewhere else so they can’t hear them cry!), or whatever that person feels like would help them decompress.
Find ways to share in the load without requiring your partner to tell you what to do. Whether that be observing what your partner does throughout the day so you can learn what needs to be done, or having your partner write it down so you can use that moving forward.
Talk About the Mental Load
Find time to connect and talk with each other. One of the most important things parents can do in their relationship is find a safe time to talk with each other about what they can do to help one another. Schedule a time where both partners feel ready to hear and receive each other, are not bothered or overwhelmed with anything else, and sit down together and ask each other:
What is one thing I did this week that you appreciated?
What is one thing I can do to help this next week?
Both partners can share with each other their needs, and you can discuss ways to make that happen in the following week. It is also a time to receive feedback in areas that you may be able to change or help them. For both partners, be mindful of knee-jerk reactions or defensiveness, and provide the information in a way that is not critical but instead helpful.
For example, use “I statements” to communicate with each other: “I feel it would be helpful if you could do the bedtime routine next week so I can get time to myself.”
Communication Creates Teamwork
Just the act of communicating with each other can greatly strengthen the connection between partners and help partners feel more like a team rather than competitors.
While the mental load may never go away completely, it can help for both partners to acknowledge and understand the difficulties of parenting and to work together to help each other feel understood and have their needs met.
When the Mental Load Starts Affecting Your Mental Health
The mental load of motherhood can become overwhelming, especially during pregnancy and the postpartum period. If you find yourself feeling constantly anxious, emotionally exhausted, irritable, or unable to relax, it may be a sign that you need additional support.
You deserve to enjoy being a parent and enjoy time with your child.
Therapy Can Help Individuals and Couples Navigate the Mental Load
If you're looking for pregnancy and postpartum therapy in Livermore, therapy for moms, or couples therapy to navigate the challenges of new parenthood, I offer therapy in person in Livermore and Pleasanton, as well as virtual therapy throughout California. Schedule a free consultation to learn more.
