Motherhood and the Mental Load
The Invisible Weight of Motherhood
Most mothers will hear the words “mental load” and have an immediate emotional and physical reaction. They might tense up and say, “Don’t even get me started.” Many women in relationships carry a significant amount of the emotional and mental labor within the home, and this load increases tenfold once they find out they are pregnant.
As soon as you find out you are pregnant, there is so much to think about. What do you eat? What do you need before the baby comes? How do you make more money? How do you prepare for the nursery? From that moment on, Google often becomes your best friend
Once that baby arrives, the dynamic shifts even more. As much as it would be nice to be able to split parenthood equally, there are, unfortunately, dynamics at play that make it extremely difficult for the mother to share in the responsibilities. If she decides to exclusively breastfeed, all feeding responsibilities are hers to bear.
Why the Mental Load Feels So Heavy
Biologically and hormonally, mothers are wired to be in tune with their baby’s needs. Most mothers say that hearing their baby cry causes physical pain in their bodies and spikes their anxiety and stress levels.
It can be extremely challenging to allow the other partner to take over. Even when the mother knows that she needs that break, it can be so hard to completely let go and allow the other partner to handle the screaming and crying.
The mental load is a nagging thing in the back of the mind. It is very hard to quiet, and sometimes it feels impossible to silence it, because doing so feels like it would lead to loved ones not getting their needs met.
So What Can the Other Partner Do?
If there are responsibilities that can’t be shared (like feeding the baby), find ways to delegate other tasks, such as making sure the mother is fed, changing the baby’s diapers, handling naptime, etc.
→ Help the one with the mental load get time to themselves. Whether that be time to themselves to go shopping, get a massage, take a bath (with the baby somewhere else so they can’t hear them cry!), or whatever that person feels like would help them decompress.
→ Find time to connect and talk with each other. One of the most important things parents can do in their relationship is find a safe time to talk with each other about what they can do to help one another. Schedule a time where both partners feel ready to hear and receive each other, are not bothered or overwhelmed with anything else, and sit down together and ask each other:
What is one thing I did this week that you appreciated?
What is one thing I can do to help this next week?
Both partners can share with each other their needs, and you can discuss ways to make that happen in the following week. It is also a time to receive feedback in areas that you may be able to change or help them. For both partners, be mindful of knee-jerk reactions or defensiveness, and provide the information in a way that is not critical but instead helpful.
For example, use “I statements” to communicate with each other: “I feel it would be helpful if you could do the bedtime routine next week so I can get time to myself.”
Communication Creates Teamwork
Just the act of communicating with each other can greatly strengthen the connection between partners and help partners feel more like a team rather than competitors.
While the mental load may never go away completely, it can help for both partners to acknowledge and understand the difficulties of parenting and to work together to help each other feel understood and have their needs met.
To learn more about individual and couples therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page.
To schedule a free consultation, contact me.
