Motherhood and the Mental Load

The Invisible Weight of Motherhood

Most mothers will hear the words “mental load” and have an immediate emotional and physical reaction. Many women in heterosexual relationships carry a significant amount of the emotional and mental labor within the home, and this load increases tenfold once she finds out she is pregnant. 

As soon as the pregnancy is discovered, there is so much to think about. What do I eat? What do I need before the baby comes? How do I make more money? How do we prepare for the nursery? From that moment on, Google often becomes your best friend

Once that baby arrives, the dynamic shifts even more. As much as it would be nice to be able to split parenthood equally, there are unfortunately dynamics at play that make it extremely difficult for the mother to share in the responsibilities. If the mother decides to exclusively breastfeed, all feeding responsibilities are hers to bear. 

Why the Mental Load Feels So Heavy

Biologically and hormonally, mothers are wired to be in tune with their baby’s needs. Most mothers say that hearing their baby cry causes physical pain in their bodies and spikes their anxiety and stress levels. 

It can be extremely challenging to allow the other partner to take over. Even when the mother knows that she needs that break, it can be so hard to completely let go and allow the other partner to handle the screaming and crying. 

The mental load is a nagging thing in the back of the mind. It is very hard to quiet, and sometimes it feels impossible to silence it, because doing so feels like it would lead to loved ones not getting their needs met.

So What Can the Other Partner Do?

If there are responsibilities that can’t be shared, like feeding the baby, find ways to delegate other tasks, such as making sure the mother is fed, changing the diapers, handling naptime, etc. 

→ Help the one with the mental load get time to themselves. Whether that be time to themselves to go shopping, get a massage, take a bath (with the baby somewhere else so they can’t hear them cry!), or whatever that person feels like would help them decompress.

→ Find time to connect and talk with each other. One of the most important things parents can do in their relationship is find a safe time to talk with each other about what they can do to help one another. Schedule a time where both partners feel ready to hear and receive each other, are not bothered or overwhelmed with anything else, and sit down together and ask each other:

• What is one thing I did this week that you appreciated?

• What is one thing I can do to help this next week?

Both partners can share with each other their needs, and you can discuss ways to make that happen in the following week. It is also a time to receive feedback in areas that you may be able to change or help them. For both partners, be mindful of knee-jerk reactions or defensiveness, and provide the information in a way that is not critical but instead helpful. 

For example, use “I statements” to communicate with each other: “I feel it would be helpful if you could do the bedtime routine next week so I can get time to myself.” 

Communication Creates Teamwork

Just the act of communicating with each other can greatly strengthen the connection between partners and help parenting feel more like teamwork than competition.

While the mental load may never go away completely, it can help for both partners to acknowledge and understand the difficulties of parenting and to work together to help each other feel understood and have their needs met.

How Therapy During Postpartum Can Help

One of the most challenging things about postpartum is the isolation a mother feels, especially when she is experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety. Postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation can make you feel completely alone in your experience and feel that you are failing. One of the most powerful things that can change the postpartum experience is to be told that you are not alone. 

Just hearing someone else say, “Yes! I went through that too,” is more than enough to lift the mood and realize that what you are experiencing is not crushing failure but part of the human experience.

There are so many challenges in those first few months, and if you are experiencing them for the first time, it is overwhelming and all-consuming. There’s often an expectation that you will be rocking your newborn, singing them a song, and experiencing “newborn bliss.” And there might be some of that, but there might also be moments that bring lots of tears. 

Tears because the baby wouldn’t latch, and you had to give them a bottle

Tears after a fight with your partner that felt absolutely devastating, and you think your marriage might be over before it ever truly started. 

Tears when you find yourself wondering how something you wanted so badly can feel so incredibly hard.

Postpartum is not a static experience; it constantly shifts as the baby grows. As soon as you think you’re finally getting on your feet, a sleep regression occurs, or the baby starts teething, and you wonder, “How can I keep going like this?” 

Therapy can be the soft place to land 

Therapy can be a space where you don’t have to hold it all together. 

A space where your experience is met with understanding, not judgment. 

Maybe what you need is just someone to hear what you’re going through and say, “Yes, that sounds really hard.”

Maybe you need some tools to take with you to help you regulate in those moments of overwhelm.

Maybe you and your partner need a place to reconnect. To find a place where you can figure out roles and expectations, and to share about the tough moments. 

You do not have to carry it all on your own. 

No matter what your experience is, there is support, and there is understanding. There is a light at the end of the tunnel to improve your well-being and your postpartum experience.

I offer walk-and-talk therapy in the Livermore/Pleasanton area, which is one great way to pair your mental health and your physical recovery.

To find out more, visit the page for perinatal mental health.