The Experience of Mom Guilt

As if motherhood isn’t hard enough, mom guilt comes along to make mothers feel worse. It knows just how to kick you when you’re down. Even on the good days, you might find yourself lying awake at night wondering:

Did I spend enough time with my baby today?

Was I too distracted? 

Was I on my phone too much?

These thoughts can take over and quickly turn into self-doubt.

The Pressure of Social Media

These thoughts can really stick with you, especially when it can be so easy to compare with other moms on social media. 

You might be seeing these other moms out when you feel like you can barely leave the house. You might see someone exercising regularly when you haven’t made it to the gym in weeks. You’re seeing these snapshots of what postpartum could be or what you think it should look like. 

Am I Good Enough?

These highlights in someone else’s life can quickly cause thoughts to spiral:

Am I a good enough mom? 

Am I doing enough? 

Do I get too frustrated, too impatient with my baby? 

Could I be doing better?

 It can be so, so easy as a mother to feel like you are failing your baby, or failing your partner, or failing your job. 

The reality is that most mothers care deeply about doing a good job. They want to do more, give more, and be more. At the same time, many are stretched thin, exhausted, and already doing the very best they can.

The Good Enough Mother

Donald Winnicott, a psychoanalyst, emphasized that parents do not need to be perfect. In fact, he suggested that being a "good enough" parent is what helps children grow into healthy individuals. Children do not need caregivers who get it right all the time. Rather, they need caregivers who are attuned, responsive, and able to repair moments of conflict.

What this means is that if you are meeting your child’s emotional and physical needs most of the time, you are doing enough.

If there are moments when you lose your patience, feel overwhelmed, or believe you have "messed up," those moments do not define you as a parent. What matters most is the repair that follows.

For a baby, repair may look like helping them regulate, offering comfort, and providing extra snuggles. For an older child, repair may mean sitting down together, acknowledging what happened, and offering a genuine apology.

Children learn not from perfect relationships, but from relationships that experience ruptures and repairs.

Give Yourself Grace

As a parent, it is so important to give yourself the compassion you deserve. Being a mother is hard enough without setting expectations that are too high to achieve. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Allow yourself to be imperfect. And allow yourself to have difficult days. 

Your child does not need a perfect mother.

You are enough.

To learn more about therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page.

To schedule a free consultation, contact me.

Motherhood and the Mental Load

The Invisible Weight of Motherhood

Most mothers will hear the words “mental load” and have an immediate emotional and physical reaction. They might tense up and say, “Don’t even get me started.” Many women in relationships carry a significant amount of the emotional and mental labor within the home, and this load increases tenfold once they find out they are pregnant. 

As soon as you find out you are pregnant, there is so much to think about. What do you eat? What do you need before the baby comes? How do you make more money? How do you prepare for the nursery? From that moment on, Google often becomes your best friend

Once that baby arrives, the dynamic shifts even more. As much as it would be nice to be able to split parenthood equally, there are, unfortunately, dynamics at play that make it extremely difficult for the mother to share in the responsibilities. If she decides to exclusively breastfeed, all feeding responsibilities are hers to bear. 

Why the Mental Load Feels So Heavy

Biologically and hormonally, mothers are wired to be in tune with their baby’s needs. Most mothers say that hearing their baby cry causes physical pain in their bodies and spikes their anxiety and stress levels. 

It can be extremely challenging to allow the other partner to take over. Even when the mother knows that she needs that break, it can be so hard to completely let go and allow the other partner to handle the screaming and crying. 

The mental load is a nagging thing in the back of the mind. It is very hard to quiet, and sometimes it feels impossible to silence it, because doing so feels like it would lead to loved ones not getting their needs met.

So What Can the Other Partner Do?

If there are responsibilities that can’t be shared (like feeding the baby), find ways to delegate other tasks, such as making sure the mother is fed, changing the baby’s diapers, handling naptime, etc. 

→ Help the one with the mental load get time to themselves. Whether that be time to themselves to go shopping, get a massage, take a bath (with the baby somewhere else so they can’t hear them cry!), or whatever that person feels like would help them decompress.

→ Find time to connect and talk with each other. One of the most important things parents can do in their relationship is find a safe time to talk with each other about what they can do to help one another. Schedule a time where both partners feel ready to hear and receive each other, are not bothered or overwhelmed with anything else, and sit down together and ask each other:

• What is one thing I did this week that you appreciated?

• What is one thing I can do to help this next week?

Both partners can share with each other their needs, and you can discuss ways to make that happen in the following week. It is also a time to receive feedback in areas that you may be able to change or help them. For both partners, be mindful of knee-jerk reactions or defensiveness, and provide the information in a way that is not critical but instead helpful. 

For example, use “I statements” to communicate with each other: “I feel it would be helpful if you could do the bedtime routine next week so I can get time to myself.” 

Communication Creates Teamwork

Just the act of communicating with each other can greatly strengthen the connection between partners and help partners feel more like a team rather than competitors.

While the mental load may never go away completely, it can help for both partners to acknowledge and understand the difficulties of parenting and to work together to help each other feel understood and have their needs met.

To learn more about individual and couples therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page.

To schedule a free consultation, contact me.

How Therapy During Postpartum Can Help

One of the most challenging things about postpartum is the isolation a mother feels, especially when she is experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety. Postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation can make you feel completely alone in your experience and feel that you are failing. One of the most powerful things that can change the postpartum experience is to be told that you are not alone. 

Just hearing someone else say, “Yes! I went through that too,” is more than enough to lift the mood and realize that what you are experiencing is not crushing failure but part of being human.

There are so many challenges in those first few months, and if you are experiencing them for the first time, it is overwhelming and all-consuming. There’s often an expectation that you will be rocking your newborn, singing them a song, and experiencing “newborn bliss.” And there might be some of that, but there might also be moments that bring lots of tears. 

Tears because the baby wouldn’t latch, and you had to give them a bottle

Tears after a fight with your partner that felt absolutely devastating, and you think your marriage might be over.

Tears when you find yourself wondering how something you wanted so badly can feel so incredibly hard.

Postpartum is an experience that is constantly shifting as the baby grows. As soon as you think you’re finally getting on your feet, a sleep regression occurs, or the baby starts teething, and you wonder, “How can I keep going like this?” 

Therapy can be the space where you don’t have to hold it all together.

A space where your experience is met with understanding, not judgment. 

Maybe what you need is just someone to hear what you’re going through and say, “Yes, that sounds really hard.”

Maybe you need some tools to take with you to help you regulate in those moments of overwhelm.

Maybe you and your partner need a place to reconnect. To find a place where you can figure out roles and expectations, and to share the tough moments as a team.

You do not have to carry it all on your own. 

No matter what your experience is, there is support, and there is understanding. There is a light at the end of the tunnel to improve your well-being and your postpartum experience.

I offer walk-and-talk therapy in the Livermore/Pleasanton area, which is one great way to pair your mental health and your physical recovery.

To find out more, visit the page for perinatal mental health.

Conversations Couples Should Have Before Baby Arrives

There is nothing quite like the excitement of a couple preparing for the arrival of their baby. There is so much joy in planning what the nursery will look like, choosing the perfect name, and imagining their little personality. But alongside the excitement can come a lot of stress as well. As parents, you will experience sleepless nights, shifting roles, and new responsibilities, which often bring surprises that you just cannot fully anticipate. Every parent expects to lose sleep in the beginning, but the true impact of sleep deprivation can take a big toll. Even the strongest relationships can feel the strain of adjusting to parenthood.

That’s why some of the most important preparation happens in intentional, honest conversations. These conversations can make a significant impact on the quality of the relationship and parenthood. There are many topics that can be helpful to cover in the relationship, and will be different for each and every couple, but there are some major ones that most relationships can benefit from discussing.

I will be listing five topics that give couples a general idea of what to discuss:

​1. Role Expectations

Establishing expectations is extremely important in a relationship. Ideally, this conversation occurs before marriage and the arrival of babies, and should happen again before the baby is born. Partners should sit down together and discuss what they expect of each other before the baby comes.

Do both partners agree to change diapers?

Is one partner still expected to cook after the baby comes?

Who is getting up at night for the baby? Is there a plan to take shifts?

Is taking shifts even feasible (For example, if the mother has decided to exclusively breastfeed, the other partner may not be able to even help for some time)?

Make sure to discuss all expectations you and your partner have, even ones that have been established previously. Responsibilities may shift as time goes on and partners realize what is helpful to them. Having weekly or monthly checks to see what is helping and what is difficult can be very beneficial.

2. Parenting Expectations

Alongside discussing the roles you expect of each other, discuss what your expectations are as a parent.

How were you parented, and in what ways do you want to replicate that? In what ways do you want to avoid that?

Partners should discuss their philosophy on discipline and punishment. Do you believe in time-outs? How will you handle disagreements about parenting? Will you discuss these moments privately or in front of the child? 

Parenting is extremely overwhelming, and invisible labor can be challenging for partners to navigate.

How will you communicate with your partner when you feel overwhelmed? For a breastfeeding mother, the demand is quite a lot in the beginning. Staying in communication with your partner about the ways in which they can support in the beginning stages can be so helpful. Just something as simple as making sure mom is nourished with good meals and hydrated can make a big difference.

3. Religion

Often, couples share a religion and are in agreement as to how to raise their children. But in some cases, couples see religion differently. In those cases, how do you approach religion with your children?

What will religion look like in the home?

Are you willing to be open about letting your children explore religion on their own? How will you navigate these differences? 

Religion is an important part of a person’s identity, and ignoring differences can lead to isolation and resentment. It is important to find common understanding and agreement before resentment builds. 

Partners should also be able to respect these differences and show respect to each other in front of the child. Navigating these differences in a healthy way can model for the child how they will navigate exploring religion in the future.

​4. Relationship Expectations

Marital satisfaction often decreases once couples have babies. A baby takes up the majority of the parents’ focus, time, and sleep. It takes work to make the relationship a priority and to nurture your partner as well as the baby.

How will you continue to provide each other the intimacy you need?

It is important to discuss with each other how you can help mitigate some of the stress after the baby arrives. What are the expectations around physical and emotional intimacy?

Naturally, after a baby comes, the ability to be physically intimate is impacted. It is important to discuss this in advance and check in with each other after the baby comes, how you are feeling, and what might need some adjusting.

5. Financial Expectations

Some couples share a bank account, and so the transition to spending money on the baby might be an easy one. However, some couples feel more comfortable having their own bank account, and in this case, it is important to discuss how to share the responsibility of spending money on the baby. Unfortunately, the financial toll that it takes to have a baby is a hard one to adjust to. Between all the necessities the child needs, along with the expenses of child care, it can be easy to become overwhelmed and resentful if you feel you are taking on the majority of these expenses.

Lastly, and arguably one of the most important factors to discuss when it comes to finances, is family leave.

How much time are both partners taking? Is the time paid or unpaid? If it is unpaid, how will you balance finances during this time? Are both parents planning to go back to work after the leave is up, or does one choose to stay at home? 

Having these kinds of conversations helps couples build a solid foundation for navigating the many changes that come with welcoming a baby. The transition to parenthood can be both wonderful and extremely challenging. Approaching this time together as a team, with open communication and understanding, makes it far easier to handle the challenges and grow stronger together. Therapy can provide the space that couples need to handle these difficult conversations and navigate the transition together after the baby arrives.

To learn more about couples therapy for pregnancy and postpartum, visit the perinatal mental health page

To schedule a free consultation, visit the page to contact me