What Is Gentle Parenting? Does It Actually Work?

Social media has created a new buzzword around “gentle parenting.” And along the way, people have created different perspectives around what gentle parenting means. The truth is that many of the conversations online misunderstand what gentle parenting actually is. Gentle parenting is not about avoiding consequences or saying "yes" to everything your child wants. It's about combining empathy with clear, consistent boundaries.

Understanding the Four Parenting Styles

Researchers have extensively studied different parenting styles and the impact they have on children's emotional, social, and behavioral development. It was determined that there are four core parenting styles. These parenting styles have different ways of holding boundaries and responding emotionally to children’s needs.

These four parenting styles are: 

• Authoritarian

• Authoritative

• Permissive

• Neglectful. 

Authoritarian is the extreme of implementing strict rules with high demands and low warmth. On the other end of the spectrum is permissive, with loose rules and very few demands. In the middle, the sweet spot of parenting, is authoritative with reasonable, clear demands, open communication, and warmth and support. 

Is Gentle Parenting the Same as Permissive Parenting?

It is often believed that gentle parenting is permissive, allowing children to do whatever they want while being a doting parent. When, in fact, gentle parenting closely aligns with authoritative parenting.

Authoritative parenting provides clear expectations and meets emotional needs. Children thrive off of structure and consistency. When parents are inconsistent, this creates anxiety and uncertainty. And often, when children are uncertain, they will push back to test boundaries. 

How Gentle Parenting Uses Consequences

Gentle parenting uses natural and logical consequences as a way to help children learn. Rather than implementing strict punishments and enforcing them, they use real-life moments to teach children. When the natural consequence is unsafe or inappropriate, that is when parents may step in and use a logical consequence. 

This doesn’t mean that parents don’t do anything; this method still requires parents to set boundaries and enforce consequences themselves. 

For example, if your child refuses to wear a jacket on a cold day, the natural consequence may be that they feel cold and decide they want their jacket. If the weather is dangerously cold or you aren't comfortable allowing that consequence, you might instead say:

"You have two choices. You can wear your jacket outside, or you can stay inside where it's warm."

The child still has a choice, but the parent maintains the boundary.

The importance of using this method is that you hold the boundary, provide the choices, and validate their feelings.

Holding Boundaries While Staying Connected

As the parent, you have your own boundaries to uphold. Part of this is recognizing what you can and cannot control. 

For example, you will not allow your child to hit. So when your child does hit,  you communicate your boundary:

“I won't let you hit me. If you continue hitting, I'm going to move my body away to keep everyone safe”

The consequence is that they no longer get to be next to you until everyone is safe.

“When your body is calm again, I'd love to come back and play with you.”

This provides them with the opportunity to correct their behavior, while modeling empathy and consistency.

Why "I" Language Matters

The language you use as a parent is important. Part of holding boundaries is recognizing you can only control your own behavior, which is why using “I” language is important. Rather than saying, “You cannot hit.” (When, in fact, they can. They just shouldn’t.) Instead of trying to control your child's behavior, you communicate your boundary and calmly follow through with the consequence.

The Difference Between Punishments and Consequences

Often, we think as parents it is our job to punish children for their behaviors. Punishment often focuses on stopping behavior through fear, shame, or loss of privileges. While it may stop the behavior in the moment, it doesn't always teach children what to do instead.

For example, if you tell a child to stop hitting their sibling and go to their room, the child may not learn the lesson you want them to learn. When they are in their room, they may instead internalize harmful messages about themselves. They may stew in their anger, or feel like they are bad, or they may feel shame. 

Providing a consequence, however, teaches the child the same messaging without inflicting negative emotions. A consequence may look like: "I won't let you hit your brother. We're going to take a break from playing together until everyone is safe."

Does Gentle Parenting Actually Work?

Gentle parenting prioritizes building a safe and supportive relationship while teaching children accountability. It empowers them to make choices and build on autonomy while learning how to regulate their emotions. This will provide them with skills they will use for the rest of their lives.

Gentle parenting uses consequences in a way that helps children learn from their experience rather than just trying to punish them.

By using empathy and consistent boundaries, children are able to still feel loved while also understanding that their choices have consequences. Over time, this teaches them responsibility, emotional resilience, and how to build secure and trusting relationships. 

Therapy Can Support Your Parenting Journey

If you're feeling overwhelmed, struggling to set boundaries, caught in constant power struggles, or simply wanting to build a stronger relationship with your child, I provide therapy locally in the Livermore and Pleasanton area and virtually to residents of California. To learn more about parenting therapy, click here. To schedule a free consultation, contact me.